Chapters that never finished
I was just cleaning up the archive and I found these false starts. This first one is downright melancholy. Not sure who I am lamenting here.
Try as I may the detachment is longer than I wanted. To lose her love was a wound that while stitched and scared still is tender. Sometimes when least expected a little touch and the reminding is a bell tolling in the distance.
Knowing that love was flawed and compromised is to know that the sun follows night. Those nuggets of doubt sat like pebbles in the pond, mossed and discoloured but resolutely there. The years stretched slowly out from the doubt while the pebbles were there in the silt, at the bottom of our pond.
When the pond started to leak, we had to clear it out.
So many things are unresolved when the love stops.
Two people make a whole, my friend said today. They meld and influence each other. Only while they are listening, I replied. He hasn't lost a marriage the way I have.
There is always much to love at the start, and attraction is an irrational creature.
WOW. Pebbles in silt? Then this, it reads about 500ml in, meaning I must've had a couple of big pours of wine:
It's Birchgrove in autumn. Nearby the Cocos pine sways, my vantage to the west descends. Beyond the lower houses the grey gum proud and wide is moving less, but the blustering winter wind whips at dusk. A grey curtain overhangs us, but a narrowing strip of amber sky scudded with marching clouds closes like a shutter, down to the urban skyline.
Night expands and claims more each time. Wishing on a star and a dream, the star not visible but the dream omni present.
Now the next night is now. It is here.
OK! Got that. It's night. Right. This next one was going to be a thing, but we just never really progressed.
It must be Wednesday.
Tuesday night Zoe came over, for our third date and my first attempt at cooking for her. She likes Salmon, so that's what we had. Oysters to start, real champagne, and all the usual trimmings. Such as candles and incense, along with my captivating daggy music.
There is more, but stuff that was written while raw.